At its worst, depression felt like a big dark hole I was slowly sinking into.
I felt nothing but empty and numb on the inside.
I didn’t feel like getting up and doing anything. Not because I was lazy, but because I was tired of everything.
The only reason I had for getting out of bed was my job. Otherwise, I’d just stay in bed and sleep, or watch movies all day.
I simply existed. But I didn’t feel like I was alive.
It seemed liked my every sensation was deadened – delayed, as if by water.
I felt like I was drowning… except I could see everyone around me breathing.
“What if this is all my life will ever be?
I felt as if I had lost myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again.
Caught up in this loop of negative thoughts, I saw no way to escape it.
My husband knew I wasn’t well. But I found it hard to tell him just how unwell I was.
Feeling depressed is such a hard thing to explain to someone. If you’ve ever gone through it, you just “know.”
But others simply can’t understand.
I was ashamed that I couldn’t cope and blamed it on myself.
I believed I was weak. A failure.
I could be surrounded by friends and family, but still feel ridiculously lonely. Like I was lost and completely separated from the world.
“Just stop fixating on the bad side of everything and be happy.”
If it were that easy, I wouldn’t have had depression in the first place.
It’s not easy to be depressed in a world that adores funny, energetic, and social people.
I’ve heard people say that I was “doing it for attention.” That I’m “overly-sensitive” or “whiny.”
So, I’d fake smiles. I’d fake my “I’m fine’s.” It was easier to lie than admit to them – or myself – that I was seriously ill.
Eventually, I started spending more and more time alone. I stopped seeing family and friends. I shut the world out.
And yet, I still felt trapped.
At my worst, I didn’t want to do anything – or couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. I just got by doing the bare minimum to survive – eating, sleeping, and working if possible.
I was scared to think far into the future because every time I tried, I couldn’t see anything.
I genuinely thought I’d be stuck in this dark bottomless hole forever.
I knew I needed help. But how? Where?
Asking for help just made me feel more like a burden.
I wanted the pain I was feeling inside to end. For that sensation of having the weight of the world on my shoulders to disappear.
Picking up the phone and calling my doctor was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and put on anti-depressants. And I hated how they made me feel.
I was constantly lethargic, as if my body was full of lead. I’d spend days in bed and yet feel ridiculously tired – not much different from before, really.
Then, I tried in-person therapy. But it was too expensive and inconvenient.
Who can afford to pay $150 per hour for just one session a week? I felt like that simply wasn’t enough for me.
I needed someone to just BE there for me when I needed them.
I was tired of just existing. I wanted to live.
Here’s how I went from utterly depressed to thriving and happy.
It was one of those days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I was scrolling mindlessly on my phone, indifferent and dull inside.
And then, this popped up:
“You don’t have to feel like this forever. You deserve to be happy. Get the help you need, when you need it – there’s no shame in asking.”
It resonated with me so strongly. In a way I wasn’t really expecting.
That was the day I discovered DoMental – an online therapy app that I can now confidently say saved my life.
Now, I know what you’re thinking – in-person therapy didn’t help. How would online therapy be any different?
Well, instead of regular face-to-face sessions once a week, I could text my therapist any time and any day.
Basically, the idea was this. I took a short mental health survey on their website, where they asked me questions about my emotional state, sleep patterns, and so on (all of it is anonymous, so no one knows it’s you and you don’t need to fill in your name or any other personal details).
And then, based on my answers, they matched me with a therapist that was most suitable to help me based on my needs and their expertise (you can also change your therapist if you feel like something isn’t working out).
Within just 1 hour of taking the survey, I signed up, downloaded the app, and was chatting with my new therapist Jane (if you’re reading this, Jane – thank you so much for everything. You saved me).
Jane listened to me. She understood me. She accepted me – for everything that I was, dark clouds and all.
I could text her every day. And the longest I ever had to wait for a response was 2 hours and 13 minutes. I counted.
I can’t say it was easy to open up at first, though.
I was scared. I’ve carried the shame and fear of stigma with me for a very long time. When chances of being judged are so big, you put up your walls and shut everyone out – even those who want to help you.
But with Jane, there was no judgment, no criticism, no expectations. She let me be me.
Imagine someone who not only cares for you but also knows how to help.
A person who not only listens but gives answers. The answers you were looking for this whole time.
A person who has the power to guide you out of depression. And does this every single day.
Jane was that person for me – and I probably owe my life to her.
Just 2 months into therapy, I felt lightness again.
As if that heavy cloud of darkness was lifting.
I could see my thoughts more clearly.
I was struck by how often I was caught up in negative thought loops – feeling worthless, ashamed, “like a failure.”
Now, I could see the worry, and I could let go of it without letting it overpower me.
Soon, I realized I was having less and less of these loops. I was taking back control of my mind.
That feeling of numbness and emptiness was slowly drifting away.
I found it easier to get out of bed each morning. It no longer felt like simple day-to-day activities were sucking all the energy out of me.
I gained an enormous amount of self-awareness. It felt like I knew myself better, I could identify my triggers, I could better control the way I responded to them.
I started feeling this “glimmer of happiness” come back into my life. I finally had hope.
For myself. For my future.
Change didn’t happen overnight. It was a process of learning to open up and talk about how I was feeling. Learning to love myself after going through years and years of doing the opposite.
Talking with Jane, I felt safe. And that feeling is irreplaceable.
Depression no longer defines me. It is a part of me, but it isn’t who I am.
If it wasn’t for Jane and DoMental, I wouldn’t be sitting at my desk right now, writing this story.
I know it feels scary, I hear you. But you can get out, I promise.
I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I did – to feel trapped and isolated. Ashamed and scared to ask for help. To not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I really do know how hard it is to let your guard down. But depression is NOT a weakness. It isn’t your fault.
I believed that for a very long time.
I thought depression was a part of my identity – something unchanging, something that could not go away.
But it can get better.
There are people who know exactly what you need to break that cycle. It can be hard to trust them, but once you do, you never look back.
I’ve found one of those people with DoMental. I know you can too.
All it takes is taking a short quiz and answering some questions about yourself – completely anonymously.
Worst case, you’ll learn more about yourself and why you’re feeling the way you do.
But best case… Can you imagine?
Leaving those dark days behind and finally feeling at ease. Finally feeling hope come back into your life. Having the energy to get out of your bed in the morning and actually feeling that glimmer of happiness and hope again.
Now imagine if you didn’t have to imagine. Because the reality is – you don’t.
Results may vary due to personal features. Always consult a professional for medical advice.